WARNING: This post contains sustained and repeated use of potentially offensive words to describe male and female genitalia and sexual activities. When I say offensive – I mean truly offensive. As in bad. Awful.
If you’re easily affected by these things then please look away now. Go here instead. But I will warn you – you are more likely to be attempting to stop laughing uncontrollably at the sheer ridiculousness of what follows than to be outraged.
Erotic writing is tricky for all concerned; the reader is usually desperately trying to conceal their current mucky book from prying eyes (far easier now with ebook readers) and the writer usually goes out of their way not to let anyone know what sheer filth they write. This isn’t because we’re ashamed of the subject matter – no, sir. Sex is good, healthy fun. It’s because our friends and family will be ashamed. Horrified, even. Most people, even if they read smut on the sly, would never fully understand.
But if there was one law that should be implemented with no further consultation it’s that everybody should read some erotic fiction just for a bloody good laugh. You see, dear reader, there are only so many ways to say cock, dick, pussy and fuck. It becomes a little repetitive after a while. But never fear! Here are some genuine ways, for example, used in published erotica to describe a man’s, er, manhood:
Slim cock (slim?). Quivering shaft of pleasure. Poking pole. Manroot. Love tool. Raging beast of his desire. Tumescent tube of fire. Raging monster of his lust. Bald avenger. Throbbing member. Turgid shaft. Man-lance.
Done with those? On to the ladies:
Nubbin (clit, apparently). Piss slit. Clenching vulva (ewww). Cunny. Penis glove. Cock slot. Cum dump (for real!). Hoohah. Cooter (this is actually a type of turtle). Glistening tunnel. Phallus receptacle. Trench (niiice). Stabbing nipples. Nest of desire. Nether lips.
General sex stuff:
“His tongue was hot, spiced with passionate man.”
“He filled her with the hot wet tumult of his love.”
“He could feel the dampness between her legs just from where they pressed
together like Twinkies inside their cellophane wrapper.”
“He pumped his hot jets into me.”
That’ll do. No, really. It’s all becoming too much – mainly because I’ve found myself using some of these. Many thanks to Deb Stover’s hilarious article on “Purple Prose” and the simply joyous ‘Kindle Smut‘ boards at Goodreads for providing much of the content for this post. Those guys are brutal on us writers. Even ‘scientific’ terms such as ‘clitoris’ and ‘ejaculate’ are a big problem in some quarters. Apparently ‘turgid’ tops the list as the-word-that-shall-not-be-used.